Feb 5, 2007

The Deceptive Mullet Man

Okay, first, I am an organized person. I’m not wacko organized but I don’t usually do stupid stuff like plan a date with my wife on Friday when I am supposed to be speaking at a seminar in Texas. Way to go Jeremy! I’m at my office and my wife calls me and says, “Honey, you got the dates wrong on your calendar, you are supposed to be in Dallas this weekend, not next weekend.” It was 6pm Friday and I was scheduled to take the stage at 10:30pm for a comedy/training event, I was the final speaker of the evening. I flew home from the office grabbed the bag that my wife had packed, dove into the car, peeled out of the driveway and barreled down the interstate at speeds of (slightly) more than the speed limit. Have you ever done something stupid, like praying that the cops won’t catch you? Well, they didn’t, but Alba Texas (pop. 462) did. For some reason my car decided that it liked Alba, Texas and wanted to stop there. So with no prompting from me, my car took the initiative and quit running right there on the side of the road in Alba. Okay, I’m in the middle of nowhere, it’s cold, and my cell phone service is patchy (Sprint covers 97% of the US and I’m always in the 3% they don’t cover). Then out of the darkness comes my hero, my savior, a guy with an awesome mullet. Wikipedia Mullet Definition: A relatively short on top, longer at the back, with the ears exposed. The mullet also goes by various nicknames, including Ape Drape, Camaro Cut, Mud flap, Hockey Hair, ten-ninety, Kentucky Waterfall, Neck Warmer and you get the point.
So out of the black night comes a genuine Texas redneck who I just knew had an in depth history of auto mechanics. I exited the driver side door and said, in fluent redneck, “This dumb car dun broke down, you got any cables?” Here was a man who I knew understood my plight, after all, you don’t wear the mullet hair do unless you understand business and pleasure (business in the front/Party in the back – the mullet). He looked at me blankly and turned around and said over his shoulder, “I’ll go call a friend” and then he disappeared. He never returned.

I have now lost all hope and faith in the mullet population. I judged a book by it's cover and automatically assumed that the mullet king was a handy/friendly guy. I was sadly mistaken. In fact, after a while, I did get a little scared that he would go get his friends. It would be a mullet reunion, a convention. And then my mind played tricks on me I begin to see scores of evil mulleted, tank top clad figures forming in the forest like Gorillas in the mist all around me (it was dark and cold, cut me some slack). Now, I was praying for the cops to find me, please for the love of all that is holy, FIND ME. I forced myself not to succumb to Mullet madness and I walked until I had cell phone service (I Loathe Sprint).

With the help of a few friends, I eventually made it to my seminar and had this wonderful story to tell. We towed my car home and I have another date planned with my lovely wife, far away from planet mullet and its inhabitants.
That was my weekend how was yours?